I WANNA BE TRULY HAPPY..

as I said in my last blog, January was really problematic. so I made solutions to this problem we had for weeks..

1. hide my feelings, especially when I'm hurt.
2. say "I'm okay" when he asks.
3. smile when he mentions girls.

that worked for some time. it worked because every night, I cry myself to sleep. it has been two nights until a day came. me and my hubby went with our friends because, uhh, to hang out! ahaha. I noticed that he was starting to misbehave. RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY TWO EYES. (misbehave=flirt) I was already in tears but i held them. I couldn't show them tears in my face, streaming down. Smile, that's what I thought. and our friends was scolding my hubby because he was really misbehaving. he asked me for million times if I was okay, i just nodded my head and smiled. he said that I should tell. the problem is, if I tell, I would surely cry. so I said, "later." then we went away from them. and we always go home early because of some things.. ahaha. XD and then, we waited for me to get a jeep. but tears was starting to build up. and he asked me what the problem was. I told him, "your love for me is killing me. every effort I make for you, you somehow won't appreciate it. but, your love is sustaining me at the same time. because i love you." (in English) tears were everywhere. I said to myself that I would never say that to hime, for us to have no problems. and there, I said it. hubby was just silent. and he had to go. he kissed and hugged me goodbye.. (continuation after.)